Reality Rules of the Road

  1. Drive with rear foglights on when there is no fog.
  2. Drive with no rear foglights on when there is fog.
  3. Drive with a tail light out, it shows you don’t care and that’s cool.
  4. Drive with full headlights on through a built up area at night.
  5. Drive with no lights at all on in heavy fog/rain/snow/darkness.
  6. Use the hazard warning lights as a get out of jail free card when illegally parking.
  7. Dont check your side mirrors when opening doors on narrow streets.
  8. Don’t change lanes or allow other traffic to pass if you’re below the speed limit.
  9. Don’t use your indicators on roundabouts.
  10. Don’t use your indicators until you start to turn.
  11. Over take on the inside.
  12. Always overtake 2 or more cars in a row, people will think your a sissy if you just overtake one.
  13. Never overtake slow moving vehicles like tractors and buses/lorries.
  14. Always break the speed limit whilst overtaking as that’s allowed.
  15. Tailgate, it helps the driver in front speed up.
  16. Drive with the a/c on full power and all the windows open.
  17. Drive with the stereo on full blast, preferably if you have an old sound system that can’t cope with loud music.
  18. Slam on the brakes when you see a speed camera – just to make sure you don’t get caught.
  19. If you want to take an exit to the left on a motorway, move as far over to the right as possible, then cut through all lanes at the last moment.
  20. If you miss the exit, pull in to the hardshoulder and reverse back with your hazard warning lights on.
  21. Sound your horn if the learner driver in front stalls his/her car, this lets him know you’re more important than he/she is.
  22. Always over take learner drivers and drive right up behind them to tell them to speed up.
  23. If you notice someone driving right up behind you, tap the brakes repeatedly and that tells them to back off.
  24. Always have one hand on the drivers window, tapping on the door gently, it looks cool. Only do this in built up areas though where people are watching.
  25. If you’re male and under 30, always put the boot down when moving off from junction/lights with one hand on the wheel, it looks cool.
  26. Again if male and under 30, use one handed driving like a truck/bus driver and pretend you have one of those old style knob things on the steering wheel.
  27. Never use the handbrake if you’re a young male, that’s not cool.
  28. If you’re a young male carrying young passengers, make sure you speed up and overtake plenty.
  29. Don’t wear your seatbelt, that’s what airbags are for..
  30. Never wash your car, it’s only going to get dirty again anyway..
  31. Wait until the fuel warning light comes on to get petrol.
  32. Complain about the price of petrol to other motorists, then boast about the fact you know who the cheapest station in town is.
  33. If there’s an accident/near accident/act of stupidity on the road, it’s always a woman driver at fault.
  34. Foreign drivers are lunatics on the roads.
  35. Never keep your drivers license in your car, you might lose it.
  36. All Mercedes drivers are old, rich fat cats and they’re cars are wasted on them.
  37. All BMW drivers are young and cool.
  38. All Jeeps are owned by farmers.
  39. All SUV’s are driven by MILFS.
  40. 99% of other cars on the road are driven by people who aspire to drive one of those 4, but can’t afford them.
  41. If you’re male and have a car with no allow wheels, you’re going to hell.
  42. Never let your neighbour park in your driveway/around your house, he’s deliberately trying to block you in.
  43. If someone tries to overtake you, speed up as he’s saying your car is a slow piece of crap.
  44. Automatic cars are for lazy American’s who can’t drive, Manual cars are real cars and they make you more macho looking.
  45. Pick the cheapest insurance company – it doesn’t matter what the small print says, you’re such a good driver you won’t crash anyway.
  46. When you sell your car, add 25% or more on to what you think it’s worth as buyers are stupid and won’t notice.
  47. At a toll bridge, drive in to the express lane and then check to see if you have the correct change. If not, get out of the car and run over to another booth for help.
  48. At a toll bridge, once the barrier goes up, race off with foot to floor as the road narrows up ahead and everyone else is trying to beat you to it.
  49. In a car park, always park one side of your car right on the white lines.
  50. In a car park, open you door out fully, if necessary bashing your doors against the car next to you as they deliberately parked too close just to annoy you.
  51. All traffic wardens are idiots and are out to get you. No exceptions.
  52. All clampers are even bigger idiots. If they clamp your car, it’s compulsary to start a heated debate with them.
  53. Don’t offer adults lifts anywhere, they’re either too tight to pay for a taxi or too lazy to learn to drive.
  54. If you see an orange traffic light, speed up as the lights are going to change red.
  55. Ignore zebra crossings – unless you see zebras crossing the road.
  56. If the lights are green, enter that yellow box at all costs.. even if your way isn’t clear – the lights where green when you first entered so that’s ok.
  57. Rev the engine to the max when starting it on cold mornings to generate heat.

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